


One Night Stand

by Ryu_Reikai_Akuma



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dick Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Drunk Sex, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Kissing, Drunkenness, F/M, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Masturbation, One Night Stands, Porn Video, The Author Has No Sense of Humor Unless It Involves Dicks Because Dicks are Funny, Uncle/Nephew Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-17
Updated: 2015-04-17
Packaged: 2018-03-23 09:21:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3762808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryu_Reikai_Akuma/pseuds/Ryu_Reikai_Akuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A drunken night ended with Kili waking up naked next to Thorin. That was complicated enough even without Kili not remembering anything about that night, so of course he didn’t remember anything about that night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Night Stand

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Elephant
> 
> Elephant. Well, I obviously took the easy way out with “elephant in the room” though I had to google it to make sure I got the meaning right. Anyway, it’s written by someone who’s only ever been slightly tipsy. I hope I got this right. 
> 
> Alternative title 1: He Fucked Me, He Fucked Me Not. Alternative title 2: The Perils of Getting Hammered with the Uncle You Have a Massive Crush on. Alternative title 3: What Happened in Kili’s Bedroom Better Extend to Other Places Because Thorin (Unless It’s Bad in Which Case Let’s Forget about It)

Kili sighed as he slowly stirred awake from a deep sleep. His head throbbed, reminding him of the festivity the previous night. He shouldn’t have accepted Dwalin’s drinking challenge but the merry atmosphere had made him stupid (Fili would argue he’s always stupid but Fili wasn’t here and Kili wasn’t the one who had woken up hung over in an apple syrup factory with no clue as to how he had gotten there). He couldn’t remember much after his fifth glass or so but if he’s home then he must’ve lost. Well, no matter. It seemed like he had won something else.

There was a warm body pressed against his back and a thick arm draped over his waist. Kili grinned lazily despite his pain. It had been a while since he had taken anyone because Fili didn’t like it when he brought someone back to their flat, forcing Kili to perfect the modern ninja skill of sneaking out of strangers’ houses in the middle of the night. But as much as Kili loved great sex, what he loved the most was sleeping tangled around someone else, lazy morning kisses, and snuggling up to steal more sleep, and he had been deprived of that for a long time. Fili would yell at him later, but this moment of being in the arms of another and having gentle breath caressing the back of his neck was worth it.

Kili smiled when he heard a sleepy grunt when he moved. He rolled over carefully as to not wake the other person, intending to cuddle and maybe initiate some sleepy make out session before they inevitably went their own separate ways, and froze. His sleepiness and hangover were forgotten and his arousal evaporated as quickly as when his mother caught him watching porn, when he came face to face with his sleeping partner.

It was Thorin.

* * *

Ten minutes later Kili was in the kitchen, nursing his hangover and trying to decide whether he was still in some sort of alcohol-induced hallucination or not. Based on the sharp pain on his arms where he had pinched himself repeatedly, this was very much reality, a reality where Thorin was laying naked in his bed, a reality where-God, does he need to say it out loud?-his uncle spent the night naked with him.

No matter how hard he tried, Kili couldn’t remember anything about last night. Had something happened? They were both naked and had been (presumably, on Thorin’s part) drunk. Kili hadn’t been with anyone for a while and Thorin had a lifetime worth of sexual frustration. Anything could’ve happened. However, Kili couldn’t find any sign on himself that something had taken place between them. There was no mark whatsoever on his skin and, more than anything, he didn’t find any trace of leaked seed on him or any condom around them, so it seemed unlikely that they had done more than sleep. Unless Thorin hadn’t taken Kili and he had taken Thorin instead which could explain the pearly spots he thought he spotted on Thorin’s inner thigh.

Kili snorted. Him taking Thorin? Thorin who once made a grown man cry just by glaring at him? Who had the unyielding devotion of his family and friends despite his chronic emotional constipation? Whose body was the envy of many men? Whose voice sent undergarments dropping to the ground? Yes, Kili had a massive crush on Thorin but so did most people with the gift of sight. Besides, it didn’t justify waking up naked with one’s  own uncle.

Dwalin said he’s a virgin, Kili’s mind supplied unhelpfully before assaulting him with thoughts of being the first to stretch that tight ring of muscle, to make Thorin moan and beg for more and…. No. That’s a stupid thought and Kili’s dick was equally stupid for reacting to the wrong and impossible fantasy. Nope. Nothing happened. They’re just sleeping. Together. Naked. Wrapped around each other. The dried spatters on Thorin’s inner thigh were probably the product of Kili’s overactive imagination and he definitely hadn’t checked out his uncle’s naked body while he was sleeping.

Kili had just finished his glass of homemade hangover cure given to him by Oin to either kill him or torture him when the door to his room opened and-shit-Thorin stood there with dark blue shirt half buttoned and tousled bed hair and Kili’s dick was being stupid again. He had to remind himself that Thorin was his uncle, this wasn’t right and he’s just being stupid. So they had spent the night together but it must be innocent. No matter how drunk Thorin was, he couldn’t possibly agree to sleep with Kili. And, really, even if it hadn’t been innocent, what was Kili supposed to do? Wallow in regret he didn’t feel? Propose a sexual arrangement?

“Breakfast?”

Offering Thorin breakfast apparently was the answer to that question. Kili watched in apprehension as Thorin looked at him with an unreadable expression.

“No,” Thorin answered as he slowly buttoned his shirt the rest of the way and, no, Kili wasn’t thinking of how he preferred being able to see his chest hair.

Kili nodded absently (hmmm. Chest hair). “How are you feeling?” Satisfied? Horny again? Kili had condoms in his drawer. “My head is killing me.”

“I just need to sleep this off,” Thorin said.

They stared at each other for a long moment and Kili could practically feel the weight of questions and speculations in the air. Or maybe it’s the horrible smell of Oin's hangover medicine. Kili bit his tongue to silence his curiosity. He’s not entirely sure whether asking whether Thorin remembered what had happened last night was a colossally stupid thing or not. Thorin would laugh as his stupidity at best and feed him to his pet crows at worse. The man had pet crows, for God’s sake! He’s the least eligible partner ever, as the rest of world obviously knew since they’re content with just admiring him from afar. But apparently Kili missed the memo.

“I have to go home,” Thorin finally said.

“Should I call a cab for you?” Kili asked, partly relieved and partly disappointed.

Thorin shook his head. “No. It’s all right.”

Kili could do nothing more than nodded and smiled absentmindedly when Thorin left. Doing a walk of shame from his nephew’s apartment. Kili groaned and buried his face in his palms. This was all Dwalin’s fault.

* * *

Thankfully, Kili didn’t have to see Thorin very often as he was still in college. He couldn’t imagine working as an apprentice at Thorin’s company like Fili, meeting Thorin everyday and trying not to wonder what had happened between them. Kili wasn’t good at keeping quiet. He might end up wondering out loud in public, anxiously stewing on the possibilities until the day he died from confused sexual tension, or dying from cock chafing due to desperate attempt to get sexual frustration out of his system, which Kili definitely wasn’t doing.

Fili didn’t know anything because he had found a girl at the bar after Kili left and had spent the night at her place. That was a relief because Kili wouldn’t know what to say if Fili asked why Thorin spent the night in Kili’s room instead of on the couch. Was being drunk an acceptable excuse? Was there any acceptable excuse for probably sleeping with one’s own uncle? No, there wasn’t. Hadn’t Kili spent most of his adolescent years getting that into his thick skull?

When Dwalin suggested another night out on weekend because the previous one had been so successful, Kili very nearly refused. The only thing it had succeeded on was teaching Kili how to hide erections in public when his mind wandered to how it might feel to sleep with Thorin and whether it was indeed drying cum on Thorin’s thigh. He couldn’t say this, though, and he couldn’t think of any convincing reason to reject the invitation. He had always been excited about spending fun drinking and eating with friends and family. Refusing that would raise questions he didn’t want to answer. Besides, Thorin was a sensible man. He would refuse to go after what had happened the last time.

Or not.

Kili looked at anything other than Thorin as his table erupted in merry laughter. He joined in as best as he could but he’s pretty sure he looked guilty which was kind of an improvement from horny but was still pretty bad all things considered. Thankfully, Fili, one of the two people around who could tell that Kili had been faking laughter, was busy trying to get the attention of a random girl nearby. The other person was unfortunately Thorin and Kili didn’t dare to even glance at him to see whether he’s looking at Kili.

Deciding that being inebriated could improve his acting skill, Kili finished his drinks quickly. He took care not to be too drunk, however, worried that he might say or do something he shouldn’t. The awkwardness between him and Thorin was bad enough. Fili would throw a fit if he so much as suspected that Thorin had slept with Kili and Dwalin would draw the entire town’s attention if he thought that Thorin had finally lost his virginity even though to his own nephew.

“Up for another drinking game, Kili?” Dwalin asked with a grin.

Kili shook his head vehemently. “Definitely no,”

“Still bitter that you lost?” Fili asked, nudging Kili’s side, his attention returning to their table.

Was that what happened? Kili could only recall the room spinning and the next thing he knew Thorin was sleeping naked next to him in his room in the morning. “It’s not fair since Dwalin has impossibly high tolerance to alcohol!” Kili protested, hoping his flush wasn’t so visible.

“He’s had many years of practice. He wasn’t this good before,” Gloin commented, grinning. “I still remember the morning I found him sleeping in the bathtub wearing some stranger’s underwear.”

Dwalin’s face reddened. “It was just one time!”

“A female stranger,” Gloin clarified.

Fili and Kili laughed as Dwalin roared in anger and embarrassment at an unrepentant Gloin. Without thinking, Kili looked at Thorin. It was second nature for him to do that, to see how Thorin reacted to things, to figure out how to make Thorin happy. Kili saw a small smirk on Thorin’s lips just before their eyes met and self-consciousness came rushing to him. Kili dropped his gaze in unease only to be greeted with the sight of a tent on his trousers. Dammit, dick.

“I challenged all of you to try to out-drink me!” Dwalin declared, his face still red.

There was a chorus of groan from the table. Kili shook his head. “I want no part in this!”

However, it seemed that Dwalin was determined to embarrass them after his drunken history was revealed. “I’m not taking no for an answer! If you’re worried about getting home afterward, Thorin can take you there like before.”

Yeah, ‘before’ hadn’t gone so well. Or too well, maybe-Kili couldn’t remember. He didn’t know whether he wanted to remember or not. His new daily fantasy definitely could use extra details but his conscience was pretty happy to be left in the dark. Either way, he didn’t want to take any risk of that happening again. It’s weird enough just that once. There’s no need to turn this into a regular occurrence!

“But what if Thorin gets drunk, too?” Fili asked, trying to escape from the challenge.

Dwalin grunted dismissively. “He can hold his alcohol well, though I can’t promise he’ll find his way anywhere but that’s not news even when he’s sober. Don’t worry about it!”

Kili looked at Thorin in surprise. Thorin returned his gaze calmly, with only minimum hint of uneasiness. Kili was positive Thorin had been quite drunk last week but could he be wrong? Had Thorin been aware of what had happened? Did he remember? Did he even forget to begin with? Kili’s stomach somersaulted at the possibilities. He bit his tongue, trying to contain the very improper question of ‘did you fuck me last week or did we just snuggle naked together?’.

Dwalin eventually got his way but Kili made excuses and left before he got too drunk, ignoring Fili’s cry accusing him of being a traitor. He caught Thorin’s eyes briefly before he left the establishment like a coward. When he finally arrived home he sighed in relief and definitely not in disappointment. And he definitely didn’t google hot bearded men and definitely didn’t use up a quarter of a bottle of hand lotion for anything other than moisturizing his skin.

Dammit, Thorin.

* * *

It wasn’t that hard to avoid Thorin. Kili just had to be a devoted student and abstain from having fun with his family. Redtube was his new best friend and he tried to single-handedly ensure lotion industry would never reach bankruptcy. It’s kind of pathetic, if he were honest, but still preferable to the awkwardness between him and Thorin. It couldn’t last forever, however, and he figured that they would move on in a few weeks, once they managed to convince themselves that absolutely nothing untoward happened that fateful night. Kili just had to get over himself and everything would be back to normal.

At least that was the plan right until Thorin showed up at Kili’s door one morning.

Kili stared longer than normal, although in his defense Thorin looked very handsome in a suit, almost as gorgeous as when he’s sleeping on Kili’s bed. Not that Kili had stared or thought of that morning at every waking hour. He had things to do! Classes to attend! Porn videos to watch and jerk off to!

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” Kili asked.

Thorin nodded slowly. “Yes, but I lost something and must find it immediately.”

“What is it?”

“Thror’s key.”

Kili’s eyes widened, knowing the significance of the object. The existence of Thror’s key was kept quiet, but as Thorin’s nephew Kili knew that it was more than a fabled story. The key, kept safely by Thorin, could unlock a safety room in a bank containing everything their family had, the riches and assets they had collected in many generations. There was no duplicate for it and if it’s lost there was a whole legal and clerical nightmare to deal with, which in Thorin’s case likely meant murder.

“ _What_?”

“I may have dropped it,” Thorin answered, keeping his voice low to avoid being heard although the hall outside Kili’s apartment was empty. When Kili only stared at him blankly, he continued, “In your room.”

A study had to be made about the top speed of blood rushing from brains to faces and cocks and Kili should be one of the subjects. He’d do it for the price of unlimited access to porn videos featuring bearded men in suits. “Oh,” he said, face flaming hotly and his brain stalling. “Uh, come on in then.”

Kili thanked every deity looking over him that Fili was at work and led Thorin to his room. It was impossible to not think of how that night had gone. Who had led whom? Or was it mutual decision? Kili bit his lip, trying to focus on the loss of the key rather than the loss of Thorin’s virginity, which was super important but not as widely consequential to the welfare of their family and employees. Kili would demand being called a superhero for saving their family business and employees’ lives if he could survive this moment without dying from lack of blood flow to his brain.

“Where, uh, where did you think you drop it?” Kili asked, distracted as Thorin bent over, searching for the key under furniture and displaying his very firm butt to Kili who definitely… oh, what the hell. He was staring. He was just a horny young man who was probably profiled as a sex addict by whoever was watching the Internet for watching so many gay porn videos in the past two weeks. The man he had fantasized about was in his room, bending over, effectively showing off the lovely curve of his ass and giving Kili flashbacks of possible spots of dried seeds on his thigh that life-altering morning. What was Kili supposed to do?

“I don’t know,” Thorin replied in a grumble. “But it should be somewhere near your bed. We didn’t…” Thorin glanced at Kili, his eyes unreadable as they met Kili’s wide glazed ones. “It can’t be far.”

Kili nodded absently and joined the search. However, it seemed futile. They looked behind and under every furniture but didn’t see even a glimpse of the key. In half an hour, they only managed to turn Kili’s room into a shipwreck (or a particularly busy bordello considering… No) and even Kili’s arousal was dampened by the prospect of his family’s ruined future.

“Are you sure it’s here?” Kili asked in frustration. He was reluctant to breach the topic but there were things more important than maintaining some semblance of normalcy between him and Thorin.

“It’s somewhere here,” Thorin said firmly as he knelt beside Kili’s bed, leaving no room for argument.

“Do you… remember?” Kili asked hesitantly.

Thorin looked at Kili and then slowly stood up. “I wasn’t drunk enough to not be aware of anything.”

“Oh,” Kili managed to squeak out. “So, did we…”

Thorin studied him impassively. “What do you think?”

Kili frowned at the floor in front of him, doing his best impression of a growling kicked puppy to hide his embarrassment. “I woke up naked next to my equally-naked uncle. I don’t know what to think of.”

There was silence for a few seconds before Thorin broke it. “I see,” he said quietly. There was a hint of something in his voice that Kili couldn’t quite figure out but it alarmed him. He tried to read Thorin’s expression but the older man crouched down, hiding his face from view. “Here it is,” he said a while later, showing Kili the famous key, but his face showed to relief that should come with the discovery. “I should go back to the office now.”

The wise thing would be to let it go. Kili knew Thorin would make no mention of this anymore after today if Kili let him leave. But did Kili want to let him leave? Did he want to let this remain unresolved, just buried and half forgotten?

Just as Thorin passed him, Kili grabbed his arm. Thorin’s icy eyes were intimidating, but Kili had been the recipient of those for all his life and didn’t fear them. There were worse things to be afraid of from Thorin, his cold treatment was one of them, his distance was what Kili feared most of all.

“What do you remember?” Kili demanded.

“Do you really want to know?” Thorin asked instead.

Kili blinked, shocked. He thought of every horrible possibility which might have happened that night, growing increasingly worried by the second, but then he looked that Thorin’s hand tightly clenching the large metal key and a thought suddenly occurred to him.

“Why are you here?” Kili asked.

Thorin arched an eyebrow at the change of topic. “To find this key.”

Kili shook his head, bravely looking into Thorin’s eyes. “You’re not. I cleaned my room after you left so Fili wouldn’t find anything and the key wasn’t here.”

Kili watched triumphantly as Thorin's face turned an interesting shade of red. He released Thorin’s arm, confident that he wouldn’t leave now. "Things have been very strange between us," Thorin explained. 

"Well, I don't know what happened and how you feel about it," Kili said, feeling smug for finding a loophole in Thorin's argument.

Thorin nodded warily in acquiescence. "But do you want to know?"

Kili thought of the Internet history he had had to delete every night (and more nights to come if this were to continue) and nodded, much to the dismay of tissue and lotion industries. "Definitely."

Thorin studied him for a moment but Kili refused to show any hesitation. Finally, he cleared his throat and began to speak, “You were very drunk and Fili was gone with a girl so I was to take you back here. We took a cab and…” He paused briefly, the tips of his ears turning slightly pink, “you told me that you’ve always wanted to take me home, then kissed me.”

Thorin was no longer the sole competitor in the first Ered Luin lobster-lookalike competition. Kili could feel his face heating. Had he really said that? And had he really kissed Thorin? The looks on Thorin’s face suggested that Thorin was still incapable of making proper jokes so, yes, he was being honest and Kili had indeed confessed his attraction and kissed him in a cab. Kili nearly groaned out loud in embarrassment when he suddenly thought of something. “Did I force myself on you?” he asked, horrified by the possibility.

Much to his relief, Thorin scoffed. “No one forces me to do anything,” he replied with a touch of arrogance Kili stupidly loved and admired, putting Kili’s worries to rest.

That’s true. Kili’s mother was the only one who ever got Thorin to do things for her, and even then Kili was sure he was being kind but unwilling to admit it. Thorin always did what he wanted regardless of what people around him (and logic) say and this was no exception. It meant that not only had he allowed Kili to kiss him, he didn’t mind the drunken confession, either, as proven by the intactness of Kili’s body parts and the stupid lie he crafted to justify his presence here. Kili’s lips twitched into a smile and in front of him Thorin did the same, his eyes softening in a way Kili had only ever dreamt of. This left only one thing.

“So, did we do it? Because when I took a shower that morning I didn’t find anything.”

Thorin tilted his head to one side, considering and sending Kili’s heart racing and dick hardening. Then, a smirk spread on Thorin’s lips as he took a step toward Kili. “Would you like a reminder?”

Well, Kili couldn’t say no to that, could he? Not when his bed was a few steps away and his brain had given full control to his straining cock in his trousers. Kili pulled Thorin as much as he was being pushed toward the bed, fully intending to recreate that drunken night and make a few fully sober memories afterward. They didn’t leave the bed, let alone the room, for a long time.

And, yes, that was definitely dry seeds on Thorin’s inner thigh.

**Author's Note:**

> Visit me on [tumblr](http://demonessryu.tumblr.com/) to say hi, talk about thorinkili, or buy what’s left of my soul with photo/gif sets/arts of thorinkili.


End file.
